One of my favorite quotes goes as follows; “F.E.A.R has two meanings; ‘Forget Everything And Run’ or ‘Face Everything And Rise.’ The choice is yours.” I love this quote, because it exemplifies one of two prominent mindsets that people adopt when presented with challenges; one mindset that can inhibit a person’s growth, and another that can enable one to prosper despite adversity. Let’s first define “Fear.” According to Webster Dictionary, Fear (noun) is “an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger.” What I’d like to explore is why people choose fear when they see challenge, and how, instead, people can choose faith in the face of adversity.

Why are people inclined to choose fear when challenges arise? Fears tends to strike individuals at their most vulnerable moments. Fears are fostered by personal insecurities and a lack of faith. Whilst sitting in that vulnerable position, with the weight of the world on one’s shoulders, it’s easy to chose fear over faith, particularly when more and more challenges present themselves. When it rains, it pours, and this makes it hard for people to choose faith, over fear. It’s easy to feel like a victim of the circumstances around us, when we don’t feel like we have control.

When negative things or events transpire in our lives, it is our natural, human-instinct to pre-maturely self-evaluate…again, this is because we often view ourselves as the “victim” who is at the stake of the world. We ask and tell ourselves things such as; “Why me?,” “What’s wrong with me?,” “What did I do?,” “Why I am i attracting such disaster into me life?,” “Why do good things happen to bad people? I’m a good person.,” “What did I do wrong?,” “This must be karma coming back to bite me in the butt!.” Such self-talk comes from a place of insecurity. This insecurity gives rise to fear in the face of challenge. When we feel that we have some degree of control over our lives and the circumstances that transpire in our lives, we are more likely to feel secure, and less likely to feel insecure. Insecurity causes us to question and doubt our faith in ourselves, in others, in a religious or spiritual entity (or in the energy of the universe, or any other powerful entity that one identifies with), and in the world itself. Insecurity gives rise to doubt in all aspects of our lives. 

Speaking from the perspective of a Christian woman, insecurity can lead to doubts that God is actually protecting us from the harm of this world, and guiding us in the direction of his glory and light. Insecurity, whether self-induced or other-induced, leads us to question the depths of ourselves, our worth as a human sharing this planet, and sometimes even our own sanity. When challenges compound, we often feel that the world, or God (or other entity or energy), is playing some sort of sick trick on us. We tend to internalize situations, rather than take a step back and objectively reflect on our current circumstances, and how our current circumstances might be transpiring for our own benefit and/or protection. 

There is a positive correlation between insecurity and a lack of faith. When the problems of the world weigh on us, we become insecure in ourselves, others, and God. When we become insecure, we tend to lose faith in the idea the world and that God (or other entity or energy) is working for us, rather than against us. In this way, fear is insecurity that is coupled by a lack of faith that all challenges are working towards our benefit in the end.

Fear equates to inaction, whereas faith equates to action. With this understanding of why people choose fear when they see challenge, we can now explore productive ways in which people can overcome fear, and instead, walk in faith to overcome adversity. I’ve broken 7 simple action-steps that a person can take to overcome fear and lean into faith to overcome challenges:

1. IDENTIFY THE FEAR & THE INSECURITIES THAT YOUR FEAR IS CAUSING: The first step requires that an individual self-reflect, dig-deep, to figure out what it is about the challenging situation at hand that they are afraid of. One must identify the ways in which that fear create feelings of vulnerability.

2. ACCEPT THE FEAR & YOUR FEELINGS—SIT WITH THOSE FEELINGS: Once identifying the fear and how it is making you feel, accept it. One can do this by acknowledging that the challenge at hand is a genuine fear of yours, and by coming to terms with the fact that your feelings and insecurities are valid. You are entitled to any and all feelings you have. Sit with those feelings and reflect on what things/ events could have led to such fears and feelings, how they are affecting your life and how they are making you feel in the current moment.3. ACCEPT THAT YOU CAN’T CONTROL EVERYTHING: As previously mentioned, those things that one cannot control can lead to feelings of insecurity. Learn to be ok with the fact that you cannot control everything about your life, nor every aspect of the current challenge you are facing. You cannot control all circumstances, but what you can control is your mindset and how you choose to take action to overcome the adversity you are facing. Focus on what you can control.

4. RATIONALIZE HOW YOUR FEAR CAN WORK TO YOUR BENEFIT: Often times fear can work to your benefit, even if the stress of the current moment doesn’t appear back that rationale. Fear can work to your benefit should you choose to overcome adversity by stepping forward with a mindset of faith, knowing that everything and everyone is working for your greater good, rather than against you. It can push you into adopting new ways of thinking, finding ground-breaking solutions to trivial problems, or even discovering new opportunities that can come from one door shutting and another opening. 

5. ADOPT A RESILIENT MINDSET OF FAITH: There is no good to be found in fearful thinking. Fearful thinking only hinders progress and success. The odds are strong that facing challenges with faith, rather than fear, helps rather than hinders, individuals’ pursuits of overcoming their fears, and does so in a far-less emotionally-damaging ways. No harm can be done by facing issues from a mindset of faith, believing that everything will be naturally be sorted out for your best good.

6. VISUALIZE THE RESOLUTION OF YOUR CHALLENGES: When fear and insecurities bombard your train of thought, it becomes easy to picture “the worst case scenario.” However, it should be encouraging to recall that 90% of the things you worried about in the past, never actually did happen. I’m a big believer in the notion that the conscious mind achieves what the subconscious mind believes. Visualizing “the best case scenario,” the best possible resolution to your challenge, is a great way to manifest the most-favorable outcome.

7. FACE THE FEAR WITH FAITH: Lastly, after completing all preceding steps, one ought to face their fear by leaning into their faith. This is by far the hardest action to take in order to overcome any given challenge you face. However, running from your problems will only lead to more problems; facing your problems will resolve your problems, or at the very least, give you a degree of closure. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by having faith that the universe, that God (or other entity or energy), is working for your greatest good, in all situations, at all times..

Fighting, whether it be with family, friends, or romantic partners, is inevitable. All relationships have periods of ups and downs. The elated feeling a pair gets in the “ups” is un-paralleled, yet fleeting. I’d argue that it is far more important to know how to handle the inevitable “downs,” because, how two people choose to handle the “downs” will often determine the degree and longevity of their relationship’s “ups.” The following question often arises when conflict looms; what is the best way to overcome an argument? Many people would answer, “to win.” 

What individuals fail to accept is that “winning” most arguments is not worth the expense of losing any given relationship entirely. First and foremost, people need to view any and all conflict, or tension, as a problem that “we” (as platonic or romantic partners) need to solve together, rather than an argument in which one partner or the other needs to “win” against the other. Very few people enjoy fighting. However, I believe that there are great opportunities to be found in times of conflict. 

There is no such thing as a “winner” or “loser” when it comes to conflict… that is, unless the relationship becomes un-salvageable. So, how ought one salvage a relationship in times of turmoil? The multi-part answer is as follows; salvage your relationship in times of conflict through practicing active listening, placing oneself in the other’s shoes, calmly and collectively speaking, avoiding any use of “you” language, and ~if all else fails~ agreeing to disagree.

ACTIVE LISTENING:

What is active listening, and how can it serve to benefit the resolution of conflict? The quote, “listening is an art that requires attention over talent, spirit over ego, others over self,” sums it up perfectly. It’s one thing to hear and it’s another thing to place one’s ego and pride aside, and really listen. When one hears, he/she passively listens, without paying any great attention to detail, context, or content of what the other is saying. When one actively listens, he/she listens to understand, to grasp the depth of detail(s), context, and content from the conversation.

Often times, particularly when tensions are high, individuals listen to reply, rather than listen to understand. When two people collectively, consciously, unite in understanding of actively listening to one another, rather than hearing or listening in order to solely reply, common ground can be found.

STAND IN THEIR SHOES:

Once both parties are actively listening to one another, common ground can be found, and when this occurs, it opens the doors for both individuals to take a step into the other’s shoes. People often have a one-sided view of why they are “right” and the other is “wrong” in any given argument. However, there are gaps in context and content when relying solely on one’s own perspective; it’s cliche to note, however, it is true that every story has two sides. There are gaps in my knowledge, for instance, regarding the other’s feelings or perspective, which I’d never necessarily become aware of, unless I stood in his/her shoes and tried to see the situation from his/her point of view, rather than my own. 

“Standing in another’s shoes” does not mean that you need to agree with the perspective and/or feelings of the other person. It solely means that you consciously choose to be open-minded to new ways of looking at the one situation; active listening helps with this. Odds are in favor that, after taking into account the other person’s ideas, perspectives, and feelings, you will attain a better understanding of that situation and be able to resolve it in a cool and collected manner.

CALM AND COLLECTED SPEAKING: 

Many psychological and interpersonal studies report that tone of voice is everything when it comes to conflict resolution. These studies find that when one speaks in a lower volume with a less-aggressive tone, the other often replicates that calm and collected manner of speaking. However, when one yells and/or speaks in a loud volume, with an aggressive tone, the other will often replicate that same pattern of speaking. Speaking in a calm and collective manner equates to speaking with a low, non-aggressive, calming tone; it feeds water, rather than fuel, to the fire. What is particularly interesting about this principle is that it is a reverse-psychology tool that is progressive, as pertaining to conflict resolution. 

AVOIDING ANY USE OF “YOU” LANGUAGE:

“You” language can be one of the most detrimental forms of communication within conflict, which is why it is essential to avoid it at all costs. “You” language includes phrases such as, “You did this to me,” “you made me feel ‘x’ way…” You language is accusatory and incites aggression and defensiveness. Instead of using “you” phrases during times of conflict, one should instead use phrases such as, “When ‘x’ happened, it made me feel ‘x’ way,” or “This situation has led to ‘x’.” Avoiding any and all use of the word “you” in disagreement prevents individuals from feeling attacked, and instead, fosters a cooperative environment where active listening and calm and collected communication can take place.

AGREE TO DISAGREE:

As I’m sure most people have experienced, resolution can’t always be found. No two people are the same, and thus, no two people necessarily view any given situation with the same lens… and that is ok. Both platonic and romantic relationships would be incredibly mundane if every person you interacted with had the same perspectives, beliefs, and stances as that of yourself.

I’d argue that 90% of the time, if two people actively listen to one another, place themselves in the other’s shoes, speak calmly and collectively, and avoid any use of “you” language when communicating, resolution can flow naturally. However, there are still times where no resolution is or can be found. At this point, the pair must choose to compromise. A pair can compromise when each party sacrifices something to find some sort of middle-ground, or simply “agree to disagree.” 

Agreeing to disagree doesn’t mean that one person is right and the other is wrong. It simply means that individuals don’t necessarily see the same situation or the resolution of the situation in a similar way… and again, that is totally ok. If all else fails, it’s ok to agree to disagree. Doing so allows a pair to move progressively-past the issue, while still maintaining their unique positions, gaining mutual understanding of where the other stands, and being able to be sensitive and aware of the other’s position moving forward. No argument is worth “winning” at the expense of losing a relationship entirely; this is where “agreeing to disagree” comes in handy.

Netflix series followed by the next, pint of ice-cream followed by the next… The ghosts of many individuals’ failed relationships speak to them through their iTunes music-playlists.

QUALITY OVER QUANTITY

Modern dating truly is a feat; a mentally and emotionally draining one for that matter. Living in San Diego, whilst attending a private university here, has forced me to observe a dating scene in what I would describe to be a “booze-hookup” culture. An individual living in San Diego has ample opportunities to meet potential partners in bars, clubs, night-life lounges, and many more events. It is unfortunate that this scene seems to be a primary place for such an important search, because as we all know, alcohol inhibits cognition. In this “booze-hookup” culture, two individuals meet while under the influence, either hookup immediately or soon after meeting, then break it off when things get “boring.” Then, they hop-on-over to one of their multiple other “backup” plans. There no longer is only a “Plan A” and “Plan B”; now, people have a Plan A, and a Plan B-Z. Quantity, rather than quality, seems to be the goal for many.

DATING MATURITY

Furthermore, from personal experience, I’ve noticed that dating college-men is an even more challenging task than dating post-graduate men. In other words, one college student dating another college student is an even tougher feat than one college student dating an older, graduated, individual that he/she met at a bar, or the like. From my knowledge, this holds true for two reasons. First, college is a four year opportunity for self-discovery, where most individuals do not have the experience nor knowledge to understand and/or recognize what it is that they desire in a romantic partner, let alone what they want to make out of their own lives. Secondly, greek life, which is essentially a lifestyle of partying and forced-socialization, in association with inhibiting influences (ie. alcohol, cannabis, and other drugs…) does not aid in the fostering any given individuals “dating maturity” nor dateable-qualities that old-souls, like myself, look for in a romantic partner.

EGO AND SELF-IMAGE

San Diego, and most of Southern California for that matter, has the reputation of having a great array of gorgeous, physically fit, men and women. An individual can not go out without spotting a multitude of attractive individuals in just one night. Although it may seem pessimistic, it holds true that the great majority of these “good-looking” people lack substance. They have superficial looks, however, they do not have anything of deep, authentic, intellectual quality that could/would add value to any given romance. Although it is cliche to note, looks do fade.

Women, prancing around in their stilettos and tight minidresses, have their plastic-surgeons’ phone numbers on speed-dial. They want to be liked and respected for what they possess “inside.” However, they get objectified, because they strut-about in manners that beg for them to be viewed, by men particularly, liked nice, juicy steaks. Many men, with their chests and egos elated, walk around as if they own the county. Men don’t want materialistic women who are hungry for the money and power that they possess. They want women to empower, trust, and admire them for what potential, characteristics, and qualities they also hold “inside.” In contrary to what they desire to attract in a woman, they dress in their nicest, most-expensive articles, because it fuels their ego and confidence. It is unfortunate that so many men and women portray false facades of themselves; I’d argue that every individual does this in some manner or another, albeit, some individuals do so far more than others. These false facades that both men and women put on, in-turn, attracts the polar opposite of what they actual desire, deep-down, to attract in a romantic partner.

CASUAL DATING

Social media, cell phones, and advancements in technology augment this modern problem even further. Social media allows individuals to continue portraying false-facade’s on multitudes of databases that receive great exposure. Dating apps, social media, and other technological advancements continuously promote new temptations for established (and establishing) relationships. They do this by fostering the mentality that there will always be better, hotter, smarter, more successful options that can be attained. What slips the mind of many is that all of those potentially “better” dating options are likely also putting on false-facades…especially online. People have a tendency to present the “best” and only the “best” of their manipulated selves online. I’d argue that everyone does this as well, albeit, to different degrees.

As a result of having such easy accessibility to dating “options,” via through both face-to-face interactions and through various online platforms, it is not uncommon to discover that an individual is seeing and/or dating many men and/or women at the same time as another. The slang-word, “side h**,” wasn’t mysteriously termed from a concept that doesn’t/hasn’t existed. It’s an ugly truth that most people have been (or currently are) guilty of this. These platforms make casual dating the norm, rather than the outlier, which is not conducive to the longevity nor the success or fulfillment of any given relationship. I’d argue that this is one of the greatest problems facing the dating scene for romantic relationships in this modern day. 

I wholeheartedly believe that it is impossible to dig within the depths of, let alone have full and utter trust, transparency, depth, and passion with, more than one relational partner at a time. 100% of an individuals time, attention, emotional, mental, and physical efforts, can not be divided among multiple relational “options” simultaneously. 100% of one whole can not be divided. Someone, or something, will always be sacrificed. In doing so, both parties feel less-fulfilled and are less-likely to pursue relationships long-term. When this occurs, the time and energy of both parties involved will have been wasted. Odds are in favor that one or both parties will be left feeling hurt, unfulfilled, and/or empty.

CONCLUSION

Modern dating is HARD to say the least! In fact, sometimes it can feel impossible. I can recall several instances where I had developed feelings for a man whom I was led to believe had admirable and mutual intentions for the formulating relationship. It was unfortunate to find that several times, after months and months of seeing one another, it ended abruptly… and for what appeared to be of no feasible fault of my own. Time and time again, it led me to dwell in insecurities that, sometimes, I didn’t even know that I had. Sadness and self-doubt would creep over me like ocean dews creep over rolling mountains on cold, misty, May mornings… like women creep on the profiles belonging to their exes’.

I felt all the more distraught when my relationships ended, because it threatened the control and ego that I so deeply identified with. There came a time when punching a martial arts bag, even for hours at a time, simply was not enough to mend my broken heart. It wasn’t until I had experienced failed attempts at relationships and relationships that did not pan-out as I had “planned” that I came to the realization that there were flaws in the ways that I had been approaching the dating scene. 

I felt emotionally fulfilled when I perceived that I had full and utter control over my relationships; it must be the bossy-nature in me. By simultaneously talking to a great quantity of men, I felt that I could retain that control. I always had a backup option, so I didn’t value any “main” man as I should have; men were disposable. However, with great quantity came minimal quality. This was, because no one man had received my full time, attention, and effort. Thus, the potential for any long-term, fulfilling relationship had flown out the door.

I use to hold a great sense of pride in knowing that I could get any guy I wanted, whenever I wanted. As mentioned, my ego was incredibly grandiose. I held no shame in flaunting the body that I had worked so hard for. I received great attention from men, albeit, it was not the type of attention that I had so eagerly longed for. My self-worth resided in my physicality and in feeling that I had power over my emotions, the men around me, and actually, all others around me. 

It took me a great deal of time to recognize that I had been fishing in the wrong “pond.” In the past, I would shit where I slept, so to speak. For instance, I would talk to boys from my same university. For reasons I previously mentioned, these college-boys lacked the degree of “dating maturity” that I liked and still do like. Although I had, and still do have, a lot to learn, my own level of “dating maturity” has developed and I am now more in-tune to the importance of solely giving my time and attention to men who swim in a comparable ponds of “dating maturity” to that of myself. There is truth in the phrase, “love never comes when you look for it.” However, by deliberately placing myself in ponds where the “fish” are capable (because they are of comparable dating maturity to that of myself) of feeding my relational needs, I now find that I have better-luck in attaining relationships that are closer to my ideal.

Lastly, having acquired a degree of experience and knowledge in regards to characteristics of casual dating, I’ve learned how to better-navigate this “booze-hookup” dating-culture that I am continuously surrounded by. I am now able to find joy and fulfillment in giving my attention, time, and effort into fostering a successful relationship with one quality man, rather than perpetuating multitudes of failed relationships, simultaneously, with many men.

It takes time, attention, and a great deal of effort to tune into what “pond” one “fishes” in. It is said that the definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting the same results.” It is insanity to keep searching for “Mr./Mrs. “Right” in the same pond that one has had a multitude of failed relationships, or attempts at relationships, in. It is important to note that this hypothetical “pond” is subjective. However, when one does come to the realization that he/she needs to “fish” in a more-compatible pond, dating becomes far easier, more joyful, and more fulfilling.

Odds are, right now, most (if not all) of us are not fully pleased with the lives that we currently live. We yearn for people, experiences, and things that we do not yet have. We tend to lose our gratitude for the value of those things that we do have. The majority of people have a mental-picture painted in their heads regarding what they want, as well as what they do not want out of their lives. With this said, people are often afraid, terrified even, of letting go of those people, things, experiences, and habits that once brought them feelings of comfort and security. I would argue that, instead, we should focus on and dissect those factors that need to be either added or eliminated from our lives in order for us, as individuals within society, to attain the end goals that we ultimately desire.

I like to make the comparison that people are like iPhone users who have the opportunity to upgrade from their current “iPhone 6” lives to the new, better, improved “iPhone 10” lives. Let’s break this statement down further…

An “iPhone 6” life is not a fulfilled life. It is a life of longing, restriction, discomfort, and “just getting by.” Now, lets consider the “iPhone 10” to be the the “ideal life” we see our individual selves living. This includes our unique perceptions of what our own “perfect” relationships, experiences, successes, and lifestyles would look like.

Even with the frustration and longing that one’s current living of “iPhone 6” life brings, I’d like to reiterate that people struggle with the idea of letting go of the factors that provide them with a sense of comfort and security in their “iPhone 6” lives. We do this for either one, or both, of the following two reasons. This first would be that we are afraid of the unknown future; after all, how is one to know how to navigate the new “technology” and “advancements” of an iPhone 10, when all that one is knowledgeable and comfortable with navigating is an iPhone 6? Not knowing how to use an iPhone 10, with a headphone jack and home button that is missing….now, that’s intimidating. The second possibility is that we can become so entranced by the shiny, glistening light of our ideal lives, our “iPhone 10” lives, that we entirely dismiss those factors that they would need to change and or manipulate in order to attain it. Our “iPhone 10” lives are a dream, that is not backed by action, thus, it remains just a dream.

All people have the option to “upgrade” their “iPhone 6” lives… even the most abundant, happy, and prosperous people in this world can make their lives better. A ceiling does not exist. This now begs the question, “how ought one go about upgrading his/her life?” Well, to start, we can chose to have better associations and relationships (be those platonic or romantic), have greater, more fulfilling experiences, as well as create new habits, or adjust/eliminate old habits, that in turn would lead us to act in ways that would be more conducive to forging those “ideals” that we each so-deeply desire.

These are the steps one must take in order to “upgrade.” Making this “upgrade” will foster a persons growth toward his/her goal. It is not comfortable. However, one must remember that even the act of taking one baby-step, is an upgrade. The journey that people need to embark on in order to achieve their “ideal life” is destined to come with several road bumps; for the sake of this analogy, we can define these road bumps as “glitches.” While living our iPhone 6 lives, these “glitches” present us with the option to either “purchase” another “iCloud” plan and retreat, or to “upgrade” to a better phone…a better life, as achievable by taking those actions mentioned above. “iCloud plans” are only a temporary fix to a long-term problem that will result in more glitches that arise down the line. You can’t put a bandaid on a gun-shot wound.

When we encounter the road-bumps, it is easy to fall for the trap of purchasing more “iCloud Plans;” one “purchase” leads to another, followed my another, and another…a never ending cycle. In doing so, we waste our own time, money, energy and other resources. These “iCloud Plans“ can be better-described as those people and things, that make us comfortable in the now, but that ultimately restrain and deter us from achieving our “ideal lives,” or at least a life that is closer to those “ideals” we hold.

Eventually, we will all come to the realization that the only viable option is to consciously and strategically “upgrade” the people in, experiences of, and habits within, our lives. A temporary fix, the purchasing of an “iCloud Plan,” delays one from getting, even that baby step, closer to achieving one’s “ideal” life.

Break the chains of mediocrity and embrace the warm light that comes with your impending growth! Make the necessary changes, make the remainder of this year your period of growth, abundance, and prosperity. Eliminate all of those people and things that don’t help you evolve. Upgrade your life!!

Attract what you expect, reflect what you desire. Become what you respect, and mirror what you admire. What is the first step that you need to take in order to upgrade your life?

Some people stab you, then go on to publicly gripe about how they are the ones who are bleeding. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, we have all, and will all, experience situations from both ends of this pain-spectrum. At one point in our lives or another, we are apt to act as the aggressor, and in other situations, the victim of such emotional agony. It is inevitable. The fact of the matter is that misery loves company; hurting people hurt people. Fortunately, whole people also heal people.

Take a moment… recall a time where you felt emotionally afflicted by another individual. Perhaps they insulted you, posted something degrading about you online, spread rumors about you, or even chastised you or the people that you love. It likely left you feeling hurt. Chances are, the person who drove you into such agony was experiencing a similar pain in his or her own life. We can define this as “self-projection.” People project onto others the thoughts and feelings they themselves are experiencing. Say for instance, a coworker of yours insulted your physical appearance. You felt hurt. However, what you can’t see is that your co-worker lacks self-confidence, because his wife hadn’t been attending to his emotional and physical needs to the extent which would bring him a sense of self-assurance. He projected his insecurity onto you, even though you had nothing to do with the culprit of instigating such insulting remarks.

When we feel overwhelmed by our feelings of hurt, we define ourselves as the victim of the aggressor. Our first instinct is not to go to the hospital called “empathy” to suture our stab-wounds, rather, we idly sit back in the puddles of our own blood which we call “self-victimization.” By defining ourselves as the “victim,” we choose to look through the spectacles of selfishness. In doing so, we reside in our own negative emotional-state, rather than focusing on that of the afflicters. We get so wrapped up in the perception of our own pain, that we forget to appraise the state(s) of anyone besides ourselves. What we fail to recognize, is that we are not the victim unless we define ourselves as such. In fact, the aggressor is the victim; we should feel bad for them, because evidently their life is so bad that they feel the need to bring everyone down with them. We have a choice… that is, to respond to the situation, rather than react to it.

Reacting, rather than responding, always leads to a downward spiral of negative events. Conflict escalates, people say things they can’t take back, and relationships get destroyed. All said and done, everyone ends up feeling worse in the end…not just the aggressor. At this point, you may be asking yourself, “I now know what not to do, but what should I do?” The answer stands in your ability to take an objective and analytical stance in such situations, rather than an emotional one. Understand that the person is hurting you, because they are hurting. Know that retaliation won’t mend the problem. Seek explanation in a non-defensive manner, and offer your support to those who are hurting. This is not to say that you need to adopt their destructive feelings in order to provide your support to them. It is to selflessly offer yourself and your understanding as a shoulder for them to lean on. Forgiving people who have hurt you is your gift to them.

Empathy, in the form of forgiveness, I believe, is the solution to both the healing of yourself and that of others. To forgive another being who has wronged you is a task that is nearly always easier said than done. It’s never “easy” to take an objective stance and not let yourself get offended, let alone place yourself in the shoes of the aggressor (particularly when you feel attacked). However, for the sake of your own mental and emotional state, it’s worth doing so.

Empathize with the hardship he/she is facing. View the situation objectively in order to avoid feeling attacked or getting offended by things that person likely wouldn’t mean when they weren’t hurting. Understand that their adverse reaction is merely a form of their own self-projection, not your own reflection. Forgive, because if you never heal from what hurt you, you will bleed onto the people who didn’t cut you. As difficult as it may be, forgiveness will bring a wholeness and a feeling of unity to both your mind and your spirit, as well as those of others. Remember that when you forgive, you heal. When you let go, you grow. Hurting people hurt people, and whole people heal people. The choice to empathize and forgive is yours. What will you choose?

Take a moment and place yourself in the shoes of your local zoo’s gorilla. While embodying that gorilla, day-in and day-out, we would be limited to the interactions, food, and activities that we are limited and accustomed to. For years, we would have lacked any sort of exhilarating liberation from the prison we would call our “ habitat,” or rather, the habits we were victimized into adopting as a result of our environment and limited ability to reason. We would wake up, feed ourselves and our infant gorillas, attempt to entertain ourselves and our children, sleep some more, eat some more, get frustrated by the tourists who pester us, and we would repeat the same daily pattern in an endless cycle. Nothing new. Nothing stimulating. Nothing to look forward to.

Yet, as anticipated, the tourists would leave as scheduled, and we would return to the same limited cage we were self-subjecting ourselves to every day of the life we lived. That endless cycle of repetition, day-in and day-out, would become our habit. This being, the very habitat we would maintain throughout the entirety of our limited lives, the habit which we would find a sense of security and comfort in, up until the day we passed. But what does it mean to “die” when we live every day of our lives like that of these caged, zoo-gorillas? What value would life have if we were to be trapped in this cage of limited life-opportunity?

We are all guilty of trapping ourselves in cages at one point in our lives or another; this cage being, the cage of “habit.” Certain habits can be a great thing, if they are rituals that improve you as a person. However, for the sake of this reflection, I want to focus on the negative habits we encompass (our tendencies to act as “creatures of habit”). We humans are, by nature, victim to living out the entirety of our lives as creatures of habit. In fact, society indirectly encourages and praises us in doing so. We are taught to attend and graduate from a “good” university, get a “good” job, get married, start a family, and work the rest of our lives into mere oblivion. We endure this huge weight of a limited life in expectation that we will be payed-back in some way, for our tedious physical, mental, and emotional efforts.

We often press through this burden solely for the expectations we have for the impending “treat” of our next banana, or vacation (in reference to those in the work-force, for instance). We fall victim to our habits. In other words, we limit the experiences that could fill the emptiness in our stomachs, and fuel the opportunity we call our lives. More often than not, we weigh the temporary “reward” from our precious habitual-sacrifices more highly than we weigh the opportunity of living life in anticipation for new experiences and a greater degree of long-term fulfillment.

Many self-victimize the quality of their lives out of pure ignorance. A man named, Alex Pentland, so beautifully worded that, “we humans suffer from an advanced case of self-delusion. We like to see ourselves as free-minded, conscious beings, self-governing, and set apart from other animals by our capacity for reasoning.” As much as this can be true, our actions do not always align with this way of perceiving ourselves. As such, we like to think that we are free and open-minded beings. However, when new opportunities and experiences present themselves, we tend to retreat back into our pens, the comfort we find in our habits. As it is truthfully said, “old habits die hard.” When we don’t let these habits “die” and when we refuse to keep an open mind, we consciously reason and govern ourselves into a deep pit that is ever-so difficult to make our way out of.

As a result of living out our lives in the “cage” of our habits, we lose sight of what it means to be free from the restraints that limit our experiences and our potential for growth. This is similar to how a gorilla would cease to experience its true power and animal-potential as a result of its ignorance regarding his or her power to escape the enclosure than confines and suppresses the quality of their life. It is not as if the gorilla doesn’t embody enough power to escape his enclosure. The gorilla merely choses not to, on the basis that he or she has grown accustomed to the same routine; that same routine, encompassing a much-anticipated “treat” of banana, which provides only temporary satisfaction.

However, I do want to place emphasis on the point that bliss can be found in ignorance. Take for instance, a man named “Jerry.” He first tried ice-cream and liked it when he went to the zoo as a child. Since then, he has only ever been open to eating vanilla ice-cream, because he associated it with one good experience he has as a child. Odds are, when he matures into adulthood and out of his adolescence, he would view vanilla ice-cream as “the best flavor of ice-cream.” The man would view it as such, simply because he has not tried any other flavors. Perhaps if Jerry didn’t fall into his habit of purchasing only vanilla ice-cream his entire life, he would place more favor on another kind of flavor.

On the other hand, Jerry’s friend, “Leo,” has tried vanilla ice-cream at the same zoo as a child, and he liked it as well. However, because “Leo” was not closed minded, nor did he habitually purchase only vanilla ice-cream following his initial visit to the zoo, he found that he liked other flavors more than he liked vanilla. Because of Leo’s open-mindedness, he had more choices and likely felt more fulfilled than Jerry every would have. This is simply due to the fact that Leo did not limit himself to only those things he found comfort in (these comforts being habits that could have been developed).

Although this example may come across as pathetically-simplistic, it demonstrates how our choice to continue in our “habits,” which find comfort in, rather than being open-minded, we restrain ourselves from experiencing greater joy, and greater liberating and eye-opening opportunities…some of the very factors that contribute to our self-growth and future life-success. A gorilla has the power to break down its enclosure and discover its true animal potential. You have the power to be open-minded, refuse to remain a “creature of habit,” and in-turn, discover the extent of your human-potential. Will you let your habits dictate the trajectory and happiness of your life? You have the power, and it is in your hands.

Imagine leaving both your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car for two whole hours. When you finally return to let them out of the car, which of them would be happier to see you? Simple…your dog. Your dog would great you with the upmost enthusiasm, as it wouldn’t be focused on how you just locked it in the car. The dog would simply be pleased to see you in that very moment and that is all the matters to that dog. On the other hand, your wife would likely be infuriated with you as she would still be dwelling on how you left her in the trunk of the car in the first place. I think that this example is of upmost importance when it comes to conversation about living in the present moment of our “now.” We should all aspire to be like the dog.

I recently read an interesting article on the “Psychology Today” website regarding several ways in which we can live in the “now.” I would like to use this opportunity to elaborate on those findings through my writing of this blog post. The first point that the article mentioned was that “we are not our thoughts.” We tend to dwell on events of the past and concern ourselves so-much-so with the unknown of the future, that we forget that the “now” is even happening. One way for us to be mindful is to take an objective stance on our current experience. We should view whats happening “now” as a sort of out-of-body experience, where we can look down and observe our own feelings, sensations and surroundings. We often get so lost in the fantasy-land of our own minds that we become completely oblivious to what is occurring around us. However, just because we day-dream of tanning on a beautiful Hawaiian beach, does not mean that we are actually doing so! Just because our minds our fixated on a certain event, sensation or situation (such as tanning on that beach in Hawaii) does not mean that we are there experiencing it! It is in the past.

A problem arrises when we become so fixated on the past or the future to a similar degree that a hungry infant would be fixed on his mothers breast milk. Sometimes events and interactions we had and are to have with people, in the past and in the future, concern us so much that we can’t help but focus all of our attention on our regret or uncertainty. More than anything, I’d argue, we are worried about how others may be perceiving us. However, the saying that “we are our own worst critics” holds true in that no-one is judging any person as heavily as that person is judging themselves. Likewise, no event/situation is as important or as drastic as it was when a person was actually experiencing it. We let our regrets and our uncertainty dictate our “performance” in the work place, school, family life, recreational activities we partake in…etc. We let them dictate the way in which we think, feel, and behave, rather than focusing on the task at hand. But how are we to stop thinking about those things, when they seem to be so unconsciously driven? The key is in losing track of time by being so invested in what we are doing, that we forget to acknowledge those negative feelings we associate with the past and with the future.

Sometimes it can feel like an impossible task to cease worrying about the things that we can’t control. Personally speaking, I’ve found that I am better-able to perform and embellish in the “now” when I take a mental note that not-everything is in my control! What happened, happened, and what hasn’t happened, hasn’t happened! I have come to terms with the fact that I can’t change the past nor can I change people, and that I will never fully encompass the knowledge of what will happen in the future nor the people I will interact with in the future. We cannot let our worry of the past nor future dictate the joy that we experience in any given moment.This knowledge that I will never know everything, has allowed me to better-dismiss social pressures, ignore judgement and approach situations that I perceive to be “insulting” in such a way that those problems gain resemblance to water running off of a ducks back. The duck is not concerned with the struggle to swim through the obstacles in the lake, and neither should we be… the duck is simply focused on the task itself: that is, the task of swimming right now. Getting deeply invested in a new task or challenge I set for myself, helps me lose the sense of my self-consciousness and it allows me to focus on the enjoying the “now.”

Through my self-reflection on the article, I came to question how I ought to emotionally come to terms with those things that I regret in my past. As most every task, it is easier said than done. What I found was that, instead of adopting a “pretend it never happened, and it never happened” attitude, I was better off charging full-speed toward those negative feelings, rather than dismissing them. It is our inherent nature to want to run away from thoughts and feelings we perceive as “negative,” be those in past, present or future. However, the solution is acceptance of those emotions, rather than retreat from them. By accepting those things that we can not change, we acknowledge that the negative emotion associated with that past event is there and we let it be there, but we don’t give it power through greater investment of our emotional energy. We should come to terms with the emotions we have in regards to past events or encounters, embrace that those emotions are present, but deeply invest our minds into a new task or challenge so as to not let those emotions dictate our happiness in the “now” of every moment.

Although distracting ourselves with a new task or challenge is an effective way of embracing our emotions and allowing ourselves the opportunity of enjoying the “now,” the opposite also holds true. Sometimes it is best to do nothing! By “nothing,” I mean that we should free ourselves by sitting and reflecting on our emotions for a set amount of time every day. This is a way for us to be mindful, in that we become aware of our current state/situation, rather than trying to improve ourselves or accomplish some task. Setting aside this time every day is valuable in that it doesn’t allow us to retreat from our emotions, but rather embrace them and take power over them, hence, not allowing those emotions to reign in power over our delight in our current situations. We mindfully do this self-reflection by asking ourselves questions such as, “What is going on right now in this current moment?,” “Why am I having these emotions?,” “How should I respond to these emotions I am having?” By taking this set-amount of time to ask ourselves these reflection-questions, we are more apt to move toward action, rather than impulse dictated by our feelings. In other words, it allows us to respond, rather than react.

All in all, these ways of learning how to embrace and respond to the past and the uncertainty that comes with the future, allow us to take in “now,” rather than giving our emotions the power of dictating our happiness in every moment.

It is our inevitable human nature to adopt feelings of complacency in the “now” of our current situations. Whether we remain employed, follow the entrepreneurial path, or otherwise, we are all capable of immense growth and success. We desire better positions, pricier items, bigger cars and houses, a greater degree of wealth, more prestige, and success far more immense than what we currently have. A person can only crave the things they do not have; we crave to be better than what we are now. However, just as a Chihuahuas, we often bark without ever biting. In other words, we have these desires of becoming someone or something “better” than what we are now. We often fail to act on our desires due to the current comfort we hold in the things we know, and out of fear for what we do not yet know. We become complacent in the fact that we are “just getting by,” or “doing ok.” An abundance-mentality or a lack-mentality is what ultimately divides society into the following groups; the barkers and the biters.

A person’s mindset is what drives them into either success or failure in the achievement of their personal-growth goals. As much as I would like to say that I’ve never held a lack-mentality, I can’t; no one can. It is our choice whether or not we let our circumstances define us, or whether we take control and define our circumstances. We all have mental or emotional highs and lows, struggles and successes, shortcomings and triumphs. We all occasionally dwell on the fact that we aren’t living up to what we think the “best” version of ourselves could be. I truly believe that a person can only make a mistake, if they did not learn a lesson from it. We sometimes lose hope in that we do not know what the journey ahead may hold. We lose confidence in ourselves as we dwell on the “failures” and the “lack” we interpret in our lives.

No one is perfect. Everyone feels complacent and hopeless at times. We have two choices on how to handle our emotions. The first choice being whether to alter our mindset into thinking abundantly, or to remain complacent and fail to grow in our lack-mentality (because yes, that is easier). The second choice we have is to act, or not to act, on the fact that we are not currently where we want to be. These aspects are a major dividing factor between those who embrace being comfortable, versus those who exit their comfort zone, grow, and succeed as a result.

Those who hold a lack-mentality (the barkers) view their current “lack” (of resources, drive, motivation, skills…etc) and “failure,” as their end-all-be-all. They “bark,” so-to-speak, about their goals and dreams, but never do anything to improve on themselves, or grow out of their current, less-than-satisfactory, situations. They become comfortable in the fact that they aren’t achieving. They want to achieve, but they are afraid to let go of those things that will allow them to do so. They focus so-much-so on their mistakes and the things they “lack,” rather than focusing on what is going right in their lives and those things, both tangible and intangible, that they are fortunate enough to have.

Barkers tend to focus more on the negatives of every situation, rather than the positives. The barkers view their past mistakes and their current situation as a block wall that they can “never” climb over. Those with a lack-mentality become comfortable in their current situations, because they don’t know what growth entails…a change in their mindset. They are so focused on their lack and limitations that they lose sight of their end goal, or become so hopeless that they never begin working toward achieving it in the first place. Change can be scary, but a person can not grow if they do not change. People who hold this lack-mentality view their current situation as an indestructible block wall, rather than a few speed bumps in the road to achieving their goals.

The biters (the doers) view their seemingly un-satisfactory position with a positive attitude…an abundance-mentality. People who hold this mindset achieve far more than those people who hold a lack-mentality. This type of person acknowledges the lessons they have learned from past mis-judgements. They consciously decide to apply these lessons to improve upon outcomes of future situations they face. They take the lesson and move on with life, rather than dwelling on all that the “mistake” entailed. They acknowledge that they are not where they want to be. They want to grow, and will grow, because they are consciously aware of managing and monitoring their mindset. When they do fall into feelings of hopelessness, complacency, or failure, they remind themselves of their goal and they count their blessings. Instead of focusing on why they “cant” or “haven’t” succeeded, they make a mental note of all of the reasons why they can and will succeed. They are not focused on their lack and limitation; they are forward-thinking.

For instance, a person who holds a lack-mentality would approach financial situations with a phrase such as, “I want to accomplish that, but it will never happen, because I don’t have enough money.” A person with an abundance-mentality would approach the same situation with a phrase such as, “I do not have the resources right now, but I am actively learning and developing the skills I need to make more money. I will accomplish that.” As can be seen, the difference in verbiage between these two kinds of people is drastic.

Look in the mirror…as cliche as it sounds, you are your own greatest competition. Personal growth and success comes as a battle between you and yourself, or rather, your heart and your brain. The decision to alter your mindset out of complacency and into that of an abundance-mentality will not be a smooth road, but it is the only road you can take if you want to be “better” than what you currently are. Its a matter of deciding whether you will take control over your emotions and mindset, or whether you will give them permission to dictate the trajectory of your future. It is one thing to talk about improving upon your current situation or to talk about your hopes and goals, but actually doing it is another thing. Will you bark, or will you bite? Your future is calling your name.

If you were doing something that could destroy your relationships with every individual you currently care about, would you want to know? Absolutely. If that same behavior had the ability to make people hate being in your presence, would you still want to know? Any sane person would say “Yes,” and want to change that behavior as quickly as humanly possible. The particular bad-behaviors with which I am referencing are interrupting and fact checking people. These are both actions that I have recently been more attentive in correcting in my own life. Not only are these actions rude on so many levels, but they also destroy relationships, make people feel un-cared for, irrelevant and just plain irritated.

Fact checking, in my opinion, is when an individual rudely corrects another individual with “facts,” that they deem to be correct (even when they actually are not). These “facts” essentially discredit anything and everything that the person talking is trying to get across. If what the person is talking about is “incorrect” in your eyes and from your knowledge, odds are, it will not affect you five years from now. Let them be wrong (in your opinion). If what the person is saying is not detrimental to your own future, then let it be. Correcting them is not worth your mental energy nor stooping down to such a low level. fact checking people makes them dislike being in your company! Not one person wants to feel like they are wrong, discredited, of unworthy.

Secondly, when you fact check or interrupt someone mid-thought, you make them feel un-cared for and irrelevant. When you correct someone, especially following interrupting them, you will make that person feel that they are not being heard-out and that what they have to say is not “important enough” to you. If you don’t care enough to hear about someone else’s opinion, why even bother sparking up conversation with them in the first place? Respect people by listening to them and not interrupting or fact checking those things that they cared enough to tell you about in the first place. From my experience, I have noticed that people do not want to try and hold a conversation with anyone who makes them feel un-cared for, irrelevant, disrespected, wrong or unacknowledged. I can not emphasize this enough.

Lastly, being fact-checked and interrupted is just plain irritating! Who wants to constantly try and fight a verbal war just to get a thought out or for their words to be acknowledged? No one. A conversation shouldn’t constantly feel like effort. People are going to stop enjoying your company, inviting you to things and stop talking to you if you make them feel like their words are anything less than treasure to you. It doesn’t matter whether or not you care about what the person is saying, or even if what they are saying is “correct” in your eyes… it’s still appropriate to show them respect by listening and acknowledging what they have to say, without interrupting or fact-checking them. 

Conversation should be uplifting and interesting. It should not be exhausting and draining. In other words, we should let our ears work harder than our mouths. If you aren’t tired of listening and if you are not feeling extremely eager to talk by the end of the conversation, you are doing something wrong! Listen more than you speak. When you do speak, don’t interrupt or fact-check others. You may just find that your friendships, relationships and general interactions with people improve as a result…mine sure have.

Attention is something everyone craves and  few individuals are willing to admit they yearn for. I personally do not know one single individual that wants to live as an isolated hermit who receives zero attention. Everyone wants to be acknowledged and feel that they have “worth” to others, whether they admit it or not. No one wants to feel like they are being “over-looked”. I have recently become more keen to the fact that dressing provocatively in public increases the negative attention a person receives from others.

In the media, we consistently see both women and men baring as much skin as possible. Often times, it appears that they receive “positive” feedback through likes and followers as a result. They get attention and we are not oblivious to this fact. We desire attention too, and often times we conform to norms such as this. However, this attention is not a “good” type of attention, nor does it ear people respect. As a rule of thumb, people crave what they do not already have; they act, speak, dress and carry themselves in manners that reflects that they already have what they desire, but do not yet have. They do so in hopes of getting the attention and affirmation they crave. Nonetheless, not all attention is good attention.

I went to the Los Angeles Fitness Exposition for the past few years now. Every time I have gone, it was eye-opening in the sense that I was shocked. There were thousands of females and males who, appearing self-absorbed through flashing a lot of skin, were seeking validation that they were not already receiving elsewhere. Everywhere I looked there were either buff men flexing for photos, or females with their breasts bulging out of their workout bras. It is understandable that the professional athletes, who were being payed to be there as a result of their dedication to the sculpting of their physiques, would dress in such a manner. They had put in an incredible amount of hard work and dedication and were able to profit as a result of their efforts. Their careers were/are developed upon selling a product…the image of health as demonstrated by their sculpted physiques.

On the other hand, it was highly inappropriate for the average ticket buyers to dress in that same manner. For goodness sake, they were’t even being payed for it! Although there were plenty of classy, wholesome, kind, and motivated people at the convention, I can reasonably say that it was evident that the majority of the ticket-buyers were provocatively dressed in order to receive any attention they could get their hands on. They were dressed to attract the wrong type of attention. I whole-heartedly believe that showing self-respect by dressing conservatively, rather than provocatively in public (in application to both males and females), closely connects to peoples relationship status’; showing self-respect gets you respect and positive attention. 

The fitness conventions always remind me about when I constantly hear women complain about their objectifications. More often than not, it’s not the other way around. Women whine about how “fed-up” they are when men treat them like an object, use them, and make them feel like they are disposable. If a woman craves attention through the love and loyalty of a man, she should not dress in a way that “leaves nothing to the male imagination.” In other words, she should not dress in such a manner that makes men look at her like a piece of juicy steak. Vise-versa, if a man craves the love, compassion, trust, and devotion of a woman, he should not be dressed (or undressed shall I say) in any way that makes him appear “available” to every passing woman. I’d argue that respect is the ultimate form of positive attention one can receive (whether male or female). Dressing provocatively in public will get one attention (be it, a negative kind), but it will not get one respect.

As mentioned in my previous blog posts, I do not consider myself to be a feminist, nor do I hold those viewpoints. It takes two to do the tango. I believe that men are not any more “guilty” than women are when it comes to objectifying others. The human body is far over-sexualized in American society, and because of this, women can easily influence the thought processes of men. People treat others based on how they dress and act. Take for instance, two couples walk into an expensive car dealership. The first couple are dressed in business-professional suits. The second couple are both dressed in t-shirts and jeans. The first couple would get more acknowledgement and better help from the sales-man, because they are dressed for the part. In contradiction to feministic views, a woman can not expect to be treated with value, when she isn’t dressed to attract value, and vise versa.

I’m not saying that the way a person is dressed gives any man or woman an excuse to harm someone else. It is not justifiable. What I am saying, is that the way a person is dress does influence how he or she will be viewed and treated. A classy and conservative man would be more attracted to (and would show more respect and positive attention towards) a woman who is dressed conservatively, rather than a woman who’s breasts are bulging out for the world to see. It is easy to confuse positive and negative attention. When people dress provocatively, their feelings of personal self-worth decrease as they adapt to believing that their body is the only key to finding any self-validation.

My question is, how can a person (male or female) complain about being objectified when the very way he or she dresses simply begs to be? Dressing provocatively subconsciously decrease ones feelings of self-worth, and it decreases the “value” that his or her physical body has in the eyes of their significant other. Why would ones significant other want their partners body, when literally any person can have physical and/or visual “access” to it? Would you want a ball gown that every girl was going to wear to a formal event? No. Would you want the same name-brand shoes that every guy friend of yours has? No. It is human nature to want to stand out positively in a crowd. However, people have no incentive to value something that everyone has access to and/or can see.

In conclusion, I left the Los Angeles Fitness Exposition feeling inspired but also highly disappointed. It was euphoric, in one sense or another, knowing that I was surrounded by thousands of other people who wanted to improve upon themselves. The energy in the Los Angeles Convention Center was always surreal and motivating for me in the pursuit of my own goals. In another sense, the expo was also disappointing to me. I was aware that I was surrounded by people who simply lacked self-respect, and knowledge of how to attract positive attention and respect. Overall, aside from the professional payed-athletes, many people received negative attention by dressing in such a provocative manner. The same applies in the every-day world. If one desires positive attention, affirmation, and respect from others in society, they need to reflect self-respect in the way they dress.